Opportunity Costs

I just got out of a job interview for a 8-week position through a staffing agency that pays $10 an hour (low for the skill level they wanted) but would possibly give me more design experience. In my pocket, I had a voicemail waiting from another staffing agency about a $14 an hour, 6-month position that would have me working in Marketing Communications, specifically social media, with a "large, well-known nonprofit." Neither offers any benefits or promises of extensions. I'm still waiting to hear back from the actual jobs that I applied directly to, full time permanent positions with benefits and salaries. I'm about to lose my fucking mind with all these choices, except none of them are actual offers yet. The only definite thing I have going on is the catering work I have scheduled for the month, which will pay my rent and bills. Do I say F it to these temporary positions? Do I accept the first position that offers, then quit if another one offers? Do I focus on the permanent positions? Do I start drinking now, or should I just overeat? Actually, I think I'm going to call a psychiatrist and make an appointment because I am legit having anxiety and drugs medicine are the best solution probably. Until I get addicted to them. I keep flashing back to my Into to Business class from sophomore year of high school, or maybe it was my Econ 101 class at the Florida College I went to, discussions of opportunity costs and making the best decision. I wish I could make ANY decision right now.

Updates From the Edge

my tumblr is down, I have so many feelings I want to share with the world, but of course as soon as I open this dialog box my mind goes blank. I guess I'm still unemployed, single, drink too much and move aimlessly through life, so NOT MUCH HAS CHANGED. Oh, except now my mom is getting divorced, living in a bedroom with my sister at my aunt's house in Naperville, and my brother is married. Looks like everyone has made a bit of progress, right? I mean, I do have a second degree in graphic design now, and I'm on the V-E-R-G-E of getting a job (meaning maybe in the next 6 months, don't you know this is the great recession of 2010 and almost 2011 now?) and I guess I'm okay with not being great at anything. Acceptance is beautiful, isn't it? Maybe I'll get back into this blog, it's a great place to open up now that I know IRL most of the local people who read my tumblr. What ever happened to privacy for posting things on the internet, huh?

Ha.HA.

I am drunk again, haha. but there's no laughing, I feel bad because I told my roommate i couldn't see a movie with her cuz i had to study, but the real reason was i wanted to drink. plus i kinda hate my roommate and her innate ability to make everything resolutely about her, even the movie she invited me to. i mean she had to see it for one of her classes (stupid arty chicago school). anyway i hate her. in that non-volatile, neighbor-with-a-cute-but-yappy-dog way. WHATEVER the underlying problem was that i don't even have six dollars to spend on a crappy reese witherspoon movie. yeah, six dollars. 6. dollars. i'm so broke. call me?

Ridiculous

This blog is ridiculous, I never write. If anyone is reading this, you are ridiculous too. I'm so angry right now, angry in the quiet, shocked kind of way. I guess it's the type of angry my parents always were when they said they were disappointed in me. It is about my friend, one friend who I had considered a best, but I guess I was letting him get by on his legacy status too much. I can't remember the last time we really had fun without forcing it, the last time I needed to share something with him. Maybe I can, but it was probably because there was no other peer so similar to me, no other gay guys I would have really considered sharing anything with. I'm just so upset that he could just decide that he doesn't need me before I could decide I don't need him.

Breaking up with your friends is the worst.

Reality

I have got to stop pretending that I can go to sleep at 3:30am and get up at 8am the next day. Especially if I've had a bottle of wine right before I go to bed. I have one of those selective memories and one idea I've preserved (with no solid examples or anecdotes to support it) is that I could, in fact, go to sleep at 3:30am and get up at 8am when I was a freshman in college. I think the C from my 8:30am anthropology class that year wants to say otherwise. Anyway, it's past noon and I'm just getting started on the stuff I'd planned to do between 9am and 11:30am.

Exhausted With It All

I just want someone to say something that will make it all matter, make any of it matter. Why can't I stop drifting between anxiety-ridden to under the influence to profoundly lost and alone? The slivers of happiness I find in this bedrock of confusion and denial sometimes make it worthwhile, but they are always gone before I can even begin to figure out why they've come.

More Alcohol!

It's been a while since I've felt as near-panicked and worthless as I did this morning. There wasn't really a reason, other than the fact that I drank away the weekend I had intended to be productive during. And I didn't just drink it away in the normal way, beers at the bar and a hangover until 1pm. No, in addition to that, this weekend was all about drinking in the middle of the afternoon alone to incapacitate myself, so I didn't have to draw a still life. Yes, I do that, drink to avoid doing things that are not entirely difficult but still fill me with that familiar dread. The fear of failure, most likely. I mean, I've already resolved to start that still life tonight, but I've also eaten my little dish of vodka-soaked watermelons and sucked down the leftover liquor with a straw while I finished a book. And I completely plan to open a bottle of wine while I pull out the fancy paper and arrange my pencils besides me on the bed. So it will be lucky if the drawing resembles anything on the table I'm supposed to be drawing and not a pile of intestines.

Did I mention I started design school? It's my fun (terrifying) new way to put off needing a job. I guess the worst case scenario is that I fail Drawing 1; what's so fucking terrible about that? Ugh, I just can't shake this feeling. Am I really turning into one of those people who get panic attacks? What have I done to myself?

Waving From a Distance

This past weekend was the Gay Pride Parade in Chicago. I was in it, hanging on the side of the National Organization of Women's float. I didn't take off my shirt or grind to the booming techno coming from the float behind us, apparently the vehicle for a gay swim team? I base this on the fact that they were all bare-chested and in skimpy shorts, but that describes about half of the parade participants anyway.
I was terribly hungover and expecting a bad or at least awkward time, but it was great. All I did was wave at people, picking a face in the crowd to focus on every couple feet, and everyone responded. Usually flirtatiously, which felt really fucking great. It was weird getting back down on the ground with the crowd when our float was done. I couldn't indiscriminately flirt anymore, the confidence was gone. It is different when you have to follow a wave with a conversation, the reality sets in that maybe I don't have anything to say to them. They've got nothing for me either, and back on the ground I see the complications you can ignore from above. Obviously I am still the same cynical and single person I was before the weekend began, but when it gets bad I will try to remember how the possibilities seemed to sparkle, when I was waving from a distance.

Stalled Relationship, Vague Texts

Most people can agree that dating is a difficult thing. Somehow, people still end up with each other and have things called "relationships." What these relationships entail is spending time together, you and your significant other, doing thing that you mutually enjoy. And there's sex too, usually. Sometimes that falls into the "mutually enjoyable activity" column. Haha joke! I'm breaking this down to such elementary terms because I'm emotionally stunted and I just can't seem to get it right. I guess I can take solace in the fact that this time around it doesn't really seem to be my fault that this relationship isn't working. His name is... well I probably shouldn't share that online. Anyway, I moved closer to him in Logan Square (ew not to be with him, that's pathetic, it's just the best apartment me and the new roomie looked at) and I thought we would hang out more because I'm just five minutes away and, being totally unemployed, I have a very open and flexible schedule. Well that didn't happen. We still make vague plans, "call me when you get off work" and "I'm too tired tonight, what are you doing tomorrow?" but it's not really going anywhere, it usually falls apart before we actually hang out, and I've probably been involved with him for two months now. I'm not really broken up about it, it's just that he was so great, IS so great, I thought that this would be the time that my adventures in dating actually made the transition to a real "relationship." Sigh. Plus he's planning on moving to Micronesia at the end of the summer to take over his father's hardware store. No joke. I guess it's back to drinking alone and reading the internet. Like the party I am throwing alone in my room right now with a 24oz SPARKS plus, with the extra alcohol by volume!

Shit

Man what the fuck? It's almost fucking June, I graduated like, three fucking weeks ago and I am still a lazy fucking bum without a goddamn job. I'm not upset, why would you think that? I am just worried about the impending announcement from my money-provider and mother about how I burn through money without even thinking. Hey, is it my fucking fault that food costs money? And real Parmesean Cheese costs fucking more? WTF. Seriously, I'm fine. I had a job interview the other day. But I haven't heard from them in a week. And that's the only job I've interviewed at. Look, fuck this ok? I am so tired ot the real world, why would anyone ever want this shitty existence for themself? ok, i'm gonna try and reel in the pessimism. The weather is great lately! I can still afford copious amounts of alcohol! I am enjoying the free time while I have it! I will be hired soon, don't you know that I am a National Merit Scholar finalist? I would find a link for that shit but, I'm not really caring at the moment. Thanks, talk to you soon!

Life's falling together

The weather today was fantastic. I wish I was outside right now. I looked at the apartment that will soon be mine today, it's over in Logan Square. Well, the east side of Logan Square, according to the Apartment People's map. I have no idea what is over there, restaurants, bars, stores, who knows. I'm sure I'll figure it out soon enough. Anyway, there was some confusion about which unit is supposed to be ours, so I'm hoping we get that worked out soon so I can sign the lease. I'm excited to move, really. Things are going really well in the "dating" department, too, so all I need now is a job and I'll feel like a full-fledged adult. That's what you're supposed to be after you graduate college, right?

30 days, then 30 years

In exactly one month I will officially be a college graduate. Isn't that great? It's hard to be excited when I don't have a job lined up in what the Wall Street Journal is calling "the rockiest job market in recent years." But honestly I'm not THAT worried. Stuff always works out for me. I'm more concerned about where I'm going to live when my lease is up on May 31st. I am like 90% sure about who I will be living with, but we have yet to figure out which neighborhood will work best for us. Somewhere close to the train is all I really require. And close to some restaurants. I figure I'll be working in the Loop so any train can take me there. The restaurants are so I can take guys on dates there and then we can casually end up back at my apartment where I'll slip in a DVD which we won't watch as we make out for hours with the music from the DVD menu playing in the background.

Anyway, back to the job issue. I will probably just start temping again, hopefully I won't get fired from an assignment this time around. I'll be working weekends at the restaurant too, bussing tables. I'm just too lazy to actually start serving. But maybe I should and try to make that a full-time gig, at least for the summer. Reality: that's not going to happen. I have this small dream that I will be able to become a free-lance graphic designer in my spare time. I am even getting the full Adobe design suite free from some kid in my class who overheard me asking about how much it costs. I mean, he downloaded it illegally but whatever. That's my dream this week: graphic design!

Tables Turned, Priorities Scorned

It may be the greatest miracle of all time! I am interested in a guy who is also into me. I may be too quick to speak (to post) because there has been only one date, but I like to think I have a certain sense about things like this. And what am I basing this "sense" on? Nothing, nothing at all. I have no experience with things like this working out well. But today it feels good and I'm going to preserve that for the millions of netizens who read this blog. Or, you know, the three netizens.

After the rather depressing post preceding this one, it is nice to be able to honestly say that I am happy right now. The feeling may self-destruct before the end of the day but it EXISTS. A person commented on my last (depressing) post in response to my query about the location of the happiness-depository (so I could pick some up) with this statement:

"I think you have to pretend you don't wanna be happy..or something.. then you are showered with happy.. it's stupid. (-Yeti)

And it's so fucking true. I hadn't even read the comment until today, when I went to post about my happiness, and I realized that it did come when I had all but given up on it ever being like this. But, happiness in a relationship (listen to me, talking as if I know what it is like to be in a relationship) sometimes comes at the expense of other things that were previously the source of your happiness. Like a particularly close friendship or a burgeoning hobby or a quest to expand your horizons. Or maybe not, maybe I just don't know what it means to be part of a "couple," me and another person being a package. Do you change yourself for them? Do they change you? Is that supposed to happen? Isn't that what everyone aims for, to finally be part of someone else's life and decisions? Is the sum greater than the parts?

I am so so so pissed off right now and I can't figure out why. Everything that seems to have set me off has happened before without incident and even all together they are sort of "whatever."

SO, first of all I'm out with my male roommate (gay) and his best friend, my other (female) roommate at some lame Lincoln Park bar (they go to DePaul, they probably can't help it). So, gay roommate is talking about just how much sex he has with his boyfriend. So much! They even broke his bed! That sort of made me a little uncomfortable cuz I ain't gettin any lately. I guess that means I am jealous. Anyway girl roommate is being super boring, it's her 21st birthday and she says "no shots" and is slowly sipping her long island iced tea and I'm all, "I'm outta here"

BECAUSE my friend Josh from when I went to school in Florida is in town! Can't wait to see him! He's one of my favorite people. I ditch the Lincoln Park thing and head to Clarke's to eat with them. But the bus never comes and I'm super pissed and I say fuck it and walk all the way to the 151 by Belmont. Then I realize i'm sad over Josh, who has a boyfriend. why is everyone happy with other people? It's not really like I want them for myself but GODDAMN if i don't want a piece of the happy.

Where's it at, people? I WANT SOME

Silent with snow

Man, the snow is really pretty tonight. I was getting really pissed off at all the cold temperature lately and about to swear off winter but this snow changed my mind. It started out as some of those quarter-sized flakes that make the world feel like a snow globe while I was on campus earlier today. It was so awesome, just staring up at the sky, my favorite song playing on my iPod, the entire world out of my view except for the thick but softly-falling snow.

Now, I just left the downtown campus after working on a paper all night (and playing around with my new blog www.settingitaside.tumblr.com) and I hadn't realized how much snow had fallen because I was nowhere near the window. When I finally looked up at the Water Tower I saw the snow layered on the tree branches near the tower. It was straight out of a photography book or something. (just realizing I live in a picturesque city)

I watched the snow fall on Michigan Ave. for a while waiting for the bus, but nothing compared to when I was walking back to my apartment, further on the North Side. The sidewalks full of unshovled snow and the trees lining the streets each forming into their own unique heavily iced decorations, I was engulfed into a completely different world.

Seriously, it just changed my whole perspective. Brought back that wonder with the natural world that so often disappears in city residents. Fucking awesome.