More Alcohol!

It's been a while since I've felt as near-panicked and worthless as I did this morning. There wasn't really a reason, other than the fact that I drank away the weekend I had intended to be productive during. And I didn't just drink it away in the normal way, beers at the bar and a hangover until 1pm. No, in addition to that, this weekend was all about drinking in the middle of the afternoon alone to incapacitate myself, so I didn't have to draw a still life. Yes, I do that, drink to avoid doing things that are not entirely difficult but still fill me with that familiar dread. The fear of failure, most likely. I mean, I've already resolved to start that still life tonight, but I've also eaten my little dish of vodka-soaked watermelons and sucked down the leftover liquor with a straw while I finished a book. And I completely plan to open a bottle of wine while I pull out the fancy paper and arrange my pencils besides me on the bed. So it will be lucky if the drawing resembles anything on the table I'm supposed to be drawing and not a pile of intestines.

Did I mention I started design school? It's my fun (terrifying) new way to put off needing a job. I guess the worst case scenario is that I fail Drawing 1; what's so fucking terrible about that? Ugh, I just can't shake this feeling. Am I really turning into one of those people who get panic attacks? What have I done to myself?

30 days, then 30 years

In exactly one month I will officially be a college graduate. Isn't that great? It's hard to be excited when I don't have a job lined up in what the Wall Street Journal is calling "the rockiest job market in recent years." But honestly I'm not THAT worried. Stuff always works out for me. I'm more concerned about where I'm going to live when my lease is up on May 31st. I am like 90% sure about who I will be living with, but we have yet to figure out which neighborhood will work best for us. Somewhere close to the train is all I really require. And close to some restaurants. I figure I'll be working in the Loop so any train can take me there. The restaurants are so I can take guys on dates there and then we can casually end up back at my apartment where I'll slip in a DVD which we won't watch as we make out for hours with the music from the DVD menu playing in the background.

Anyway, back to the job issue. I will probably just start temping again, hopefully I won't get fired from an assignment this time around. I'll be working weekends at the restaurant too, bussing tables. I'm just too lazy to actually start serving. But maybe I should and try to make that a full-time gig, at least for the summer. Reality: that's not going to happen. I have this small dream that I will be able to become a free-lance graphic designer in my spare time. I am even getting the full Adobe design suite free from some kid in my class who overheard me asking about how much it costs. I mean, he downloaded it illegally but whatever. That's my dream this week: graphic design!