Updates From the Edge

my tumblr is down, I have so many feelings I want to share with the world, but of course as soon as I open this dialog box my mind goes blank. I guess I'm still unemployed, single, drink too much and move aimlessly through life, so NOT MUCH HAS CHANGED. Oh, except now my mom is getting divorced, living in a bedroom with my sister at my aunt's house in Naperville, and my brother is married. Looks like everyone has made a bit of progress, right? I mean, I do have a second degree in graphic design now, and I'm on the V-E-R-G-E of getting a job (meaning maybe in the next 6 months, don't you know this is the great recession of 2010 and almost 2011 now?) and I guess I'm okay with not being great at anything. Acceptance is beautiful, isn't it? Maybe I'll get back into this blog, it's a great place to open up now that I know IRL most of the local people who read my tumblr. What ever happened to privacy for posting things on the internet, huh?

Ridiculous

This blog is ridiculous, I never write. If anyone is reading this, you are ridiculous too. I'm so angry right now, angry in the quiet, shocked kind of way. I guess it's the type of angry my parents always were when they said they were disappointed in me. It is about my friend, one friend who I had considered a best, but I guess I was letting him get by on his legacy status too much. I can't remember the last time we really had fun without forcing it, the last time I needed to share something with him. Maybe I can, but it was probably because there was no other peer so similar to me, no other gay guys I would have really considered sharing anything with. I'm just so upset that he could just decide that he doesn't need me before I could decide I don't need him.

Breaking up with your friends is the worst.

More Alcohol!

It's been a while since I've felt as near-panicked and worthless as I did this morning. There wasn't really a reason, other than the fact that I drank away the weekend I had intended to be productive during. And I didn't just drink it away in the normal way, beers at the bar and a hangover until 1pm. No, in addition to that, this weekend was all about drinking in the middle of the afternoon alone to incapacitate myself, so I didn't have to draw a still life. Yes, I do that, drink to avoid doing things that are not entirely difficult but still fill me with that familiar dread. The fear of failure, most likely. I mean, I've already resolved to start that still life tonight, but I've also eaten my little dish of vodka-soaked watermelons and sucked down the leftover liquor with a straw while I finished a book. And I completely plan to open a bottle of wine while I pull out the fancy paper and arrange my pencils besides me on the bed. So it will be lucky if the drawing resembles anything on the table I'm supposed to be drawing and not a pile of intestines.

Did I mention I started design school? It's my fun (terrifying) new way to put off needing a job. I guess the worst case scenario is that I fail Drawing 1; what's so fucking terrible about that? Ugh, I just can't shake this feeling. Am I really turning into one of those people who get panic attacks? What have I done to myself?

Waving From a Distance

This past weekend was the Gay Pride Parade in Chicago. I was in it, hanging on the side of the National Organization of Women's float. I didn't take off my shirt or grind to the booming techno coming from the float behind us, apparently the vehicle for a gay swim team? I base this on the fact that they were all bare-chested and in skimpy shorts, but that describes about half of the parade participants anyway.
I was terribly hungover and expecting a bad or at least awkward time, but it was great. All I did was wave at people, picking a face in the crowd to focus on every couple feet, and everyone responded. Usually flirtatiously, which felt really fucking great. It was weird getting back down on the ground with the crowd when our float was done. I couldn't indiscriminately flirt anymore, the confidence was gone. It is different when you have to follow a wave with a conversation, the reality sets in that maybe I don't have anything to say to them. They've got nothing for me either, and back on the ground I see the complications you can ignore from above. Obviously I am still the same cynical and single person I was before the weekend began, but when it gets bad I will try to remember how the possibilities seemed to sparkle, when I was waving from a distance.

Stalled Relationship, Vague Texts

Most people can agree that dating is a difficult thing. Somehow, people still end up with each other and have things called "relationships." What these relationships entail is spending time together, you and your significant other, doing thing that you mutually enjoy. And there's sex too, usually. Sometimes that falls into the "mutually enjoyable activity" column. Haha joke! I'm breaking this down to such elementary terms because I'm emotionally stunted and I just can't seem to get it right. I guess I can take solace in the fact that this time around it doesn't really seem to be my fault that this relationship isn't working. His name is... well I probably shouldn't share that online. Anyway, I moved closer to him in Logan Square (ew not to be with him, that's pathetic, it's just the best apartment me and the new roomie looked at) and I thought we would hang out more because I'm just five minutes away and, being totally unemployed, I have a very open and flexible schedule. Well that didn't happen. We still make vague plans, "call me when you get off work" and "I'm too tired tonight, what are you doing tomorrow?" but it's not really going anywhere, it usually falls apart before we actually hang out, and I've probably been involved with him for two months now. I'm not really broken up about it, it's just that he was so great, IS so great, I thought that this would be the time that my adventures in dating actually made the transition to a real "relationship." Sigh. Plus he's planning on moving to Micronesia at the end of the summer to take over his father's hardware store. No joke. I guess it's back to drinking alone and reading the internet. Like the party I am throwing alone in my room right now with a 24oz SPARKS plus, with the extra alcohol by volume!

Life's falling together

The weather today was fantastic. I wish I was outside right now. I looked at the apartment that will soon be mine today, it's over in Logan Square. Well, the east side of Logan Square, according to the Apartment People's map. I have no idea what is over there, restaurants, bars, stores, who knows. I'm sure I'll figure it out soon enough. Anyway, there was some confusion about which unit is supposed to be ours, so I'm hoping we get that worked out soon so I can sign the lease. I'm excited to move, really. Things are going really well in the "dating" department, too, so all I need now is a job and I'll feel like a full-fledged adult. That's what you're supposed to be after you graduate college, right?

30 days, then 30 years

In exactly one month I will officially be a college graduate. Isn't that great? It's hard to be excited when I don't have a job lined up in what the Wall Street Journal is calling "the rockiest job market in recent years." But honestly I'm not THAT worried. Stuff always works out for me. I'm more concerned about where I'm going to live when my lease is up on May 31st. I am like 90% sure about who I will be living with, but we have yet to figure out which neighborhood will work best for us. Somewhere close to the train is all I really require. And close to some restaurants. I figure I'll be working in the Loop so any train can take me there. The restaurants are so I can take guys on dates there and then we can casually end up back at my apartment where I'll slip in a DVD which we won't watch as we make out for hours with the music from the DVD menu playing in the background.

Anyway, back to the job issue. I will probably just start temping again, hopefully I won't get fired from an assignment this time around. I'll be working weekends at the restaurant too, bussing tables. I'm just too lazy to actually start serving. But maybe I should and try to make that a full-time gig, at least for the summer. Reality: that's not going to happen. I have this small dream that I will be able to become a free-lance graphic designer in my spare time. I am even getting the full Adobe design suite free from some kid in my class who overheard me asking about how much it costs. I mean, he downloaded it illegally but whatever. That's my dream this week: graphic design!

Silent with snow

Man, the snow is really pretty tonight. I was getting really pissed off at all the cold temperature lately and about to swear off winter but this snow changed my mind. It started out as some of those quarter-sized flakes that make the world feel like a snow globe while I was on campus earlier today. It was so awesome, just staring up at the sky, my favorite song playing on my iPod, the entire world out of my view except for the thick but softly-falling snow.

Now, I just left the downtown campus after working on a paper all night (and playing around with my new blog www.settingitaside.tumblr.com) and I hadn't realized how much snow had fallen because I was nowhere near the window. When I finally looked up at the Water Tower I saw the snow layered on the tree branches near the tower. It was straight out of a photography book or something. (just realizing I live in a picturesque city)

I watched the snow fall on Michigan Ave. for a while waiting for the bus, but nothing compared to when I was walking back to my apartment, further on the North Side. The sidewalks full of unshovled snow and the trees lining the streets each forming into their own unique heavily iced decorations, I was engulfed into a completely different world.

Seriously, it just changed my whole perspective. Brought back that wonder with the natural world that so often disappears in city residents. Fucking awesome.

Out of Town

The Scene: Kansas City International (really? international?) Airport, 7:20pm

M is just realizing that after a random-sobbing-attack filled weekend with his family, his 7:30pm flight back to Chicago is going to be delayed for a while.

It starts out with just a weather advisory, a 10 minute delay. Then, via text from Chicago friends, M realizes that weather situation is severe. Weather.com has 70% precipitation for Chicago until 12am.

M checks with airline associates; the flight is now delayed until 8:15pm. Not too bad. M buys two cans of beer from the Wolfgang Puck Kiosk (why is this kiosk affiliated with Wolfgang Puck?). Starts to chug one. Coordinates a pick-up effort in Chicago based on the quickly spreading delay. He's not going to deal with the CTA after 11pm on a Sunday night after a weekend like this, who would?

Delay has been extended to 9pm. The Chicago team is on standby, armed with the flight number and the airline website. What can only be another delay announcement is muffled by the sounds of the Shiny Toy Guns Channel on pandora and simultaneously ignored by M who is working his way through the second beer quickly. It's already 9pm, obviously the flight is not leaving until 10:30pm at the earliest.

The looming question: what time do kiosks in the admittedly hick state of Kansas stop serving beer on a Sunday night?

Don't you find abandoned senses attractive?

Chicago is such a bustling place, it always amazes me when I find another really unique part of town. I was driving around Bucktown the other day, looking for a maternity shop called Belly Dance, but me and my friend got lost and ended up in Ukranian Village. It's a super hipster part of town, and it gave me a really different look at Chicago than the one I get at Loyola's Mag Mile campus and my Uptown home. It's just another reinforcement, telling me I made the right decision to move here. I can't wait until I have a real job and can look at apartments in all parts of town! Not just the cheap ghetto where I can afford to live.

Another story: I chugged three beers when I got home from picking up the supplies for my latest promotion because I was so pissed off at the manager. The dude who I was picking the stuff up from, the manager, took an HOUR AND A HALF to give me a t-shirt, hardhat and box of tissue samples. Seriously, I have shit to do! So I took the edge off with the beers, then I packed up my books and went to class. Needless to say, my notes are not very coherent (or existent, actually) from the first hour of class. Hey, college is almost over and I'm not going to be able to do this at a job, so I thought I'd take advantage of the anonymity of night class. Hell yeah.